Unexpected

So here's the deal-e-o:

My stomach is upset about 95% of the time, but I've only actually ralphed once, which is good (I guess). I'm continuously looking for some type of food or beverage item that makes the pain go away for more than 15-30 minutes; even ginger snaps don't help.

Here's the part I didn't expect: I WANT to be 100% ecstatic about the baby (now nicknamed Yoda-Monster). I WANT to be able to enjoy every minute of it. However, in reality, I'm half-hunched over in pain most of the time. Isn't morning sickness supposed to be, like, in the morning and then go away? Or even at night and then go away? Pretty much anytime but then go away? It's not with me. It's there, like a puppy following me no matter where I go and what I do. I find myself ecstatic, but at the same time, wishing for this phase to be long gone and out of memory. I pray that it lasts only these next few weeks. I feel like I'm not sure how much more I can take...and I'm only 6 weeks along. AHHH!!!

Another crabbiness not on this topic is that I'm doing the most boring job EVER at my work right now. This book is going to drive me insane.

Honestly, though, I know it's not that bad and I should really just get over it, but even when I get in the mindset that it's not that bad and I won't let it bother me anymore, the pain's totally still there. I swear it's not all psychological. I can't control it.

And admitting my not-total-happiness makes me feel like a bad and selfish person and a horrible mom, but I figure being honest is always the best policy (and might just help dull the owies).

Scratch That

Things of this nature cannot be tampered with and/or postponed. No amount of willpower can keep the cheese and crackers down if it's got the mind to enter back into the world. Oh well. Win some, lose some, right?

Willpower

I'm a firm believer that a lot of the "ailments" we humans suffer from can be controlled through our minds (as in it's mostly psychological). But, I've never really been able to control allergies and I'm finding now that, I can control the actual act of purging, but I can't control the feeling of nausea. I wonder why that is. I assume it's so ingrained in me that I can't get past everyone asking if I've been sick. But I haven't. But my stomach just keeps flipping and flopping and it feels like it would actually be easier to "get sick" than control the feelings, you know? Anyway, so, no, I won't be getting sick. Now if only I could find the little extra bit of willpower to fight off the upset feeling with my brainwaves...

Starting to understand

So I'm finally starting to understand. People have been slightly taken aback when I don't react how they think I should when the news is released about the pregnancy...And I finally think I know why.

#1 You should know that I am extremely ecstatic.

#2 I think the reactions have been tame because I haven't had a chance to thouroughly process this new development yet. Granted, we had the time where we were trying...and I pre-processed what I could at that time, but since we actually saw a test that was positive, I haven't really had time to myself when there hasn't been 5,000 things that NEED to get done and/or I'm asleep. And I NEED my time to work through things. Otherwise, I tend to totally blow up at the oddest times. Chris knows. I just need time to focus and think through things. Otherwise I'm totally psychotic. Plus, I'm not so much a center of attention person. And now there's a cazillion people all asking me questions and looking for responses.
It feels like my brain is 3 miles wide and our baby is getting pushed to the back until I can actually focus, you know?

Anyway, I just wanted to verify. I don't feel I have the energy to focus on it just yet...and all of the focus on me makes the pressure get worse. I'm excited for the weekend. Finish my garden. Clean the house. Maybe work on a house project or two. Revise my final assignment yet again. Actually sit down and work through issues with the baby (with myself). And to be able to sit down with Chris and discuss all of the different things we really need to discuss sooner rather than later.

Plus, we found a crib and matching changing table (the style I like) second-hand on Craigslist and it's in good condition and Chris and Jeremy brought it to the house today for $75! It was such a blessing. I haven't been able to find "my" style of changing table anywhere. It's just not the "in" thing I guess, but it's what I wanted. And we got these for cheap! I'm just fine using second-hand things and am SO glad we were able to find this. Now I just really need to finish remodeling hte second bedroom and closet, you know? Now it's time to contain the excitement again...and yet keep just enough of it to keep me awake through the last hour of work. I wonder if Chris will pick me up...or walk the dogs up to get me? Either way would be awesome. I don't really wanna walk home alone today.

Grunt

So I told the bosses today. That went very well and took a lot of the stress off my shoulders (although I shouldn't've been stressed about it).

We've also decided that keeping it a secret it too hard and whatnot.

And so we went to the doctor last night b/c certain unnamed people wanted to make absolutely sure. And now I have a bruise on my arm from where they drew blood (I've never been bruised there before...You think she'd be more gentle...not less). And I felt like the doctor was talking to me like I didn't know anything. How frustrating. But at least seeing him was only a one-time thing, so we're good to go.

The baby's the size of a sesame seed? How come I'm already heavier than I've ever been? Oh well. I'll just have to watch what I eat and not have a whatchamacallit every single day in addition to my other yummies I'm constantly eating...

What?

#1 My dad called last night, but I was already asleep and so they (Dad and Chris) didn't want to wake me up...Sad face. But I did sleep much better last night. I still woke up 5-7 times, but was able to get back to sleep within 10 minutes each time (major blessing). Dad e-mailed me which was nice and then tried to call me while I was at work this morning...Doesn't it figure the call would be at one of the busiest random times, so I wasn't able to answer...and then a few tears squeezed their way out when I listened to his voice on the answering machine. I think he called my cell too, so I'm saving that message for when I'm alone and can actually cry if I wanna. Poor Jess (one of our grad students) walked up right as the tears started and my head was hanging and she was all worried and whatnot and offered me her office if I needed to cry. She's such a sweetheart. I was planning on getting her a chocolate bar with blueberries. I should remember that...

#2 I don't feel that tired today, although it's only 9:23, which is great!

#3 It looks like Chris and I will be able to meet up with some of his family for the 4th of July weekend, which I'm very excited about.

#4 How odd, but I ate 1 dark chocolate chip pancake this morning which was delicious...and then started eating my second one, but got two bites into it before it tasted not-as-good, so I gave it to Chris. And then I started doing my normal morning stuff and then saw our cat Kit Gizmo, so I had to pick her up and was walking around with her...and she didn't even smell bad, but all of the sudden I was running to the bathroom heaving...but it was just air, thank goodness and then went outside to the 30 degree weather (b/c the cold normally helps when my stomach's upset)... But how odd is that? Anyway, hope it was just a weird fluke.

#5 Dana gave me a card and gift last night that just about made my day (today when I was awake enough to start reading it...and the card was just about the best thing ever!) Thanks.

Well, this is a first

As the few of you know, Chris and I have experienced a first...

Things have been weird this past cycle, but I know my imagination is pretty wild sometimes, but I did lay in bed for all night starting at 5:45 on Friday and my boobs hurt REALLY bad a week ago (but that's happened once before) and my tummy felt funny (but I noticed that as I've been getting older...or at least since the whole "problem time" I've had more PMS symptoms, so I tried not to figure too much about it).

Anyway, so I bought the tests (two pack) and then went to Lowe's and then came home and watched a movie while painting my nails black (with stickers, of course) and then had to pee, so tried not to be too excited and figured why not. And the test said it would take up to three minutes, so I figured I'd pee, wash my hands, make Chris watch the funny part of the movie I'd rewound it to, and then we'd go and look together...but the answer was there before I was finished washing my hands!!! So I told Chris to come look (after making him promise to come watch the funny part of the movie). And we were both happy-ing and then went to watch the funny part of the movie. Then we agreed to tell only the closest of family and friends and then went about calling people. Of course I had to call my mom first, not even thinking that she'd want to talk for forever...and then had to call Devin b/c my siblings knew and then called Dana and then decided it was too late to call Ana and today I finally e-mailed my dad (he should've used his psychic powers to know to call last night).

Maybe that's why I haven't been sleeping too well the last few nights. Like, it's gotten back to where it used to be where I'll wake up several times during the night and it takes FOREVER to get to sleep. So although I was in bed from 11-ish to 6:30-ish, I think I got maybe 4 hours of sleep...Oh well. Now at least I have something to think about.